You know that feeling you used to get when someone asked you if you wanted to go see a burlesque show with them? Remember the way it felt when you walked out because it was really just overweight "classy" women dancing to Tom Waits tunes in an effort to distract them from their 9-6 hellholes? Sure, maybe part way through you're thinking, "OK, maybe I'll at least see some nipplie, or maybe a boosh or two before the night is out." But no, all you end up with is too much bumpy thigh from a pasty bucked-tooth mother of 9. Maybe my own experiences at burlesque shows have soured me, and maybe I should look forward to what could be the hottest thing ever on film, I just can't help but be wary.

'Burlesque' is set to be a scorcher flic where Christina Aguilera and her amazing regions are pit against rival hot-as-fire Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell.) In my mind, this movie is just a series of scenes where they have strip dance-offs in sweaty basements to Jamiroquai songs, each being declared a tie meaning that they have to go down on each other for 20 minutes. The sad truth is that anything with this much high-dollar cooze is going to be far too tame, not truly pay homage to an amazing lost artform, and leave your genie not only in it's bottle but causing a blue discoloration.

Remember that paragraph at the beginning of this article? Yeah, it's going to be just like that. I recommend skipping 'Burlesque', saving the $13.50 and staying home to watch the ole Skinemax.

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